So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize