If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
