Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
