So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Randomize
