I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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