I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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