I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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