Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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