Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
