I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
