legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
