Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
