why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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