I will die if light touches me.
Your dad touched me again.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
