I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
