I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
