The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
