its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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