two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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