Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
