I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
