i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
