He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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