Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
