I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
