dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
