My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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