1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize