Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
