There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm having to shit out rocks
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize