I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
