there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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