Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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