I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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