Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
