just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
