I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
