Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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