i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
