My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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