Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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