I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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