just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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