I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
