I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
