I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
