No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
