I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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