I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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