If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
