I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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