I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
