woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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