im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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