I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
